How Siblings Learn Care and Patience by Watching Us

Children notice more than we may think when it comes to looking after anyone with additional needs. This can be the tone of your voice when the morning is taking longer than planned, the way you pause before trying something again, how things like brushing teeth can be challenging, guiding each leg into a pair of trousers, wiping a messy mouth, or waiting by the window until the school bus pulls away.

Eva and Luis staring through a window at a wildlife centre.

I have been watching this happen in our home.

Luis has needed care from the day he was born, and as parents, we have built our days around that care. Some parts are physical or emotional, exhausting or even rewarding. What I did not expect was how closely his siblings would study us.

Eva, in particular, has started to show a level of detail with Luis that hasn't gone unoticed. She wakes up and goes to look for him to see if he is okay. She asks if we need help changing him, brushing his teeth, or taking him downstairs.

Eva does not do it for praise or to be rewarded, she does it because she has watched care being given every day, and slowly she has begun to understand her brothers' needs.

Children absorb the priciples of care

When children grow up alongside a sibling with additional needs, they do not only see the dramatic moments, they see the repeated ones.

A daily example of this is brushing Luis' teeth, it is not a quick two-minute job, he twists and turns his head to avoid the toothbrush and is laughing whilst doing it. I think the toothpaste may feel too minty for him, and he does not understand how to spit it out properly, so we support him by removing the toothpaste and rinsing his mouth.

Eva has watched this enough times to know that rushing does not help and that we cannot force him, she has seen patience being displayed from the first thing in the morning.

The same happens when Luis needs help getting dressed, we support him to lift each leg, take off his pyjamas, and put on his daytime clothes. It can be slow and awkward and certainly requires calmness and understanding especially when you feel exhasted.

This is how his siblings learn care and patience by watching our example. They copy the pace, the jokes, the methods that defuse fustration from both sides and the way you keep going without making the person feel like a problem.

Patience becomes second nature

Eva has become more patient with Luis in small, noticeable ways like when she takes him to her room and lets him play with her things. That may sound simple, but to a child, sharing Lego or fidget toys can be a big deal. In the past, she may not have been so keen, but now she seems to understand that Luis explores the world differently.

Antonio just like Eva has watched how long things can take with Luis, and even asks questions as to why we need to do things the way we do. Antonio has brought things for Luis to play with or changed the Tv and chased after him playfully, I have heard him say things like "Luis can't speak can he?".

They have seen us adjust the environment to help Luis feel calmer and choose patience when frustration would be easier, so they do the same. That does not mean siblings should not have a chance to be children and make their own choices, they still need their own belongings, their own rooms, their own time and their own right to say yes or no.

The importance of details

One of the most interesting things we have observed is seeing how much they remember the small details.

Eva and Antonio both know which television programmes help Luis stay calm when he comes downstairs or when we are outside. They know that some sounds or routines settle him and some of the different noises he makes mean that he needs or wants different things.

They also understand some of his prompts, for example when it is time for school, a simple word like “bus or school” and Luis turns towards the door because he knows what that means and he gets excited.

Eva standing behing Luis who is in his wheelchair holding his red cup.

On holiday, Eva spends time with Luis in the sea, she holds him next to her and pushes him gently up and down in his swimming vest as he enjoys this. Those moments remind everyone that Luis is not only someone who needs help, he is a brother, he can be fun, enjoys what we do and can make everyone smile.

In restaurants as another example, Luis knows when there are fries on the premises and has worked out his own system to get them. He starts to make noise or make a face like he is about to cry and scream and before he can do that one of us including Eva has already ordered or gotten a bowl of fries for him.

These details may look small from the outside, but inside a family life like ours, they are huge. They are the difference between calm moments and total chaos, the bridges that help Luis move from one part of the day to another.

What can we learn as the ones setting examples?

When siblings are watching our choices matter, not because we need to pretend, but because our everyday behaviour becomes their first model of care. If we as adults treat care as a burden children may learn that, but if we treat care as part of something done patiently everyday children will understand the same very quickly.

Depending on their ages we can let them support us and their family members with things that suitable for them, if younger for example fetching something like clothing or a toy or helping with the tv. Of course if they are much older then helping the ones we care for with more physical needs or medication or even walks outside is fine.

Helping and supporting those who have additional needs should never be pressured onto younger children, or we risk them resenting having to do anything. They also need to feel appreciated for anything they help us with and also they need to feel that they have their own time for themselves and with us.

There must be a balance. Siblings can become incredibly caring, but they are still young, so they need to know that care is not their responsibility but a choice.