How couple's relationships are tested with disability
Updated: Sep 7
Finances and health
It is never on your mind that your child can be disabled, especially when you already have big plans for them. Those dreams of them going to school, to college, then university and taking the world by storm. It can easily be shattered when the words a specialist says to you are "your child has a life long condition know as ....."
Couples Tested with Disability
From our experience and conversations with friends, couples are sometimes tested to the limit. Many things start to change like your daily conversations, where the topic seems to be more about the child with the disability. How to prepare for them in the future, and why are they perhaps doing all these things not one of you can understand.
Conversations about date nights and spending quality time together take a back seat. If you have other children, discussions about them may also dwindle.
It may also happen that one parent picks up the caring role more for the child than the other, and this can lead to resentment from the partner as they feel there is no time being spent with them, or they feel inadequate as a parent.
How about a terminal illness, living day in and day out knowing your child's time is going to be shorter than it should. The doctors may suggest an expected lifespan but your child could either live beyond that or even worse not even make it that far.
Imagine having to live with that everyday, the emotional strain, a lack of concentration on other important things in your life, nobody else can understand loosing that child except you and your partner.
Different Coping Mechanisms
Pressure and stress can change people, revealing sides of themselves they never knew existed. Parents often have different strengths and weaknesses, and having a disabled child can help you discover more about yourself and your partner.
Some parents may remain in denial about the disability, trying to act as if everything is normal. They may block out the reality, pretending to be strong while feeling emotionally broken inside.
Another common scenario is that the pressure can lead to depression and anxiety, and some take up drinking to the point of alcoholism or substance abuse. Not all are able to cope especially if the disability is more complex and then can easy turn to many different things as a form of release and distraction.
Differing Cultures
When couples come from different cultural backgrounds, additional challenges arise. Some cultures discourage open emotional expression, viewing it as a sign of weakness. This can leave one partner feeling isolated, needing someone to confide in and share their feelings with.
In other cultures they openly hide any disabled family members as it is seen as shameful. Even those from that background may not agree with this and it can lead to a couple disagreeing on what is best for the child and their family as a result.
Family pressure can be another. With a slight overlap of the above, families opinions and views can affect parents thinking. Some feel that they are doing them a favour by suggesting they put their disabled child into a care home a continue living their life.
Finances and Health
As I mentioned in previous articles, finances and health can suffer significantly. This is a crucial factor that can either make or break families. While some support is available from the state, many needs go unmet.
Families often have to use their own resources for additional equipment, clubs, or outside carer assistance. The severity of the disability may require one parent to give up work entirely, reducing household income.
For example lifting a child when they are younger is manageable, but as they grow, the physical toll can become overwhelming. Tasks like getting in and out of bed, navigating stairs, showering, or toileting can become increasingly challenging. Equipment, such as wheelchairs, can also add to the physical strain, especially if you need to lift them in and out of a car.
No Help
This is a huge factor I can tell you from personal experience. I remember trying to organise a babysitter who seemed perfect for our needs. She had years of experience with multiple children, medical training for Luis, and was available when we needed her.
But on the evening we planned to go out, she called to say she had an emergency and couldn’t make it. After that, I tried to contact her several times, but there was no response. It felt like no one wanted to take on our request for a sitter.
We have had no help from family. When offers did come, they were only for Eva and Antonio. Everyone seems to avoid Luis unless we are there to take over when they can no longer manage. I’ve had discussions with others who have experienced family members shunning their disabled child, showing little interest or pretending they don’t exist.
Reflecting on the last eight years, I realise we have suffered from a serious lack of sleep. We can hardly remember what it’s like to enjoy a meal in a restaurant or have a drink in a pub. Meeting friends has become a rare occasion.
Leading to?
Although there is no specific statistic available, multiple sources claim that marriages involving a disabled child have a higher rate of divorce. This does not account for those who are not married and choose to part ways. However, many couples manage to find a way to support each other and maintain their household.
As children grow into adults, their care needs can increase. The next hurdle is agreeing on the future. Do parents have the strength and resources to continue caring at home, or must they make the difficult decision to use a care home? This choice may seem straightforward to outsiders, but this decision could easily break a couple apart if they have differing views.
Ultimately, couples enter relationships not expecting to have children with disabilities. When faced with this reality, they discover how much they are capable of handling.
Families experience additional stress when disability is present, and finding a way to remain a strong unit is challenging. Some swear by counselling, while others find that talking to those in similar circumstances provides a better perspective and helps improve their home life.
There is no right or wrong answer, no silver bullets. It seems that just good old fashioned figuring it out between yourselves, finding common ground within everything that comes at you and communicating as much as you can is the only way.
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