How couple's relationships are tested with disability
- Roberto Castillo
- Sep 5, 2025
- 5 min read
It is never on your mind that your child can be disabled, especially when you already have big plans for them. Those dreams of them going to school, to college, then university and taking the world by storm. It can easily be shattered when the words a specialist says to you are "your child has a life long condition know as ....."
Couple's tested with disability
From our experience and conversations with friends, couples are sometimes tested to the limit. Many things start to change like your daily conversations, where the topic seems to be more about the child with the disability. How to prepare for them in the future, and why are they perhaps doing all these things not one of you can understand.
Conversations about date nights and spending time together take a back seat. If you have other children conversations about them can also go into reverse.
It may also happen that one parent picks up the caring role more for the child than the other, and this can lead to resentment from the partner as they feel there is no time being spent with them, or they feel inadequate as a parent.
How about a terminal illness, living day in and day out knowing your child's time is going to be shorter than it should. The doctors may suggest an expected lifespan but your child could either live beyond that or even worse not even make it that far. Imagine having to live with that everyday, the emotional strain, a lack of concentration on other important things in your life, nobody else can understand loosing that child except you and your partner,
Different coping mechanisms
Pressure and stress can change people and even bring out sides you or they didn't know were there in hiding. Parents normally have different strengths and weaknesses and having a disabled child is certainly a way you start to find out more about yourself and your partner.
Common scenarios include that a parent may even remain in denial about the disability and continue to act like everything is as it was and somehow try to block it out. One may pretend to be strong face to face but really they are emotionally broken and cannot bring themselves to discuss it.
Another common scenario is that the pressure can lead to depression and anxiety, and some take up drinking to the point of alcoholism or substance abuse. Not all are able to cope especially if the disability is more complex and then can easy turn to many different things as a form of release and distraction.
Differing cultures
Having a couple with different backgrounds throws challenges into the mix. Some cultures do not allow emotions to be expressed openly as it may seem like a sign of weakness, and the a partner may not be able to cope with this on their own. They need someone they can confide in and show those expressions to and vice versa.
In other cultures they openly hide any disabled family members as it is seen as shameful. Even those from that background may not agree with this and it can lead to a couple disagreeing on what is best for the child and their family as a result.
Family pressure can be another. With a slight overlap of the above, families opinions and views can affect parents thinking. Some feel that they are doing them a favour by suggesting they put their disabled child into a care home a continue living their life.
Finances and health
I also mentioned in previous articles that finances and health can suffer, this is also a factor that makes or breaks families. There are some things that are covered by the state in order to support those who need it but some are not. In this instance families need to use their own resources to cover any additional equipment, clubs or outside carer assistance. The severity of the disability may mean someone needs to give up their work entirely reducing the household income.
Lifting the child up and down when they are younger is not so bad, but once they are bigger you can start to feel your body slowly getting worn faster. This can be anything from in and out of bed, up and down stairs, showering or toileting. The same for equipment needed for example a wheelchair, if like us you need to lift it in and out of a car.
No help
This is a huge factor I can tell you from personal experience. I remember that I tried to organise a baby sitter who seem to tick all the boxes from the advert on the agency, years of experience with more than one child, medical training which of course we needed for Luis and available when we needed them. On the evening we arranged to go out just Kristina and I the sitter called that she had an emergency at home and could not make it. I tried on a few occasions after to reach her and there was no response. After that it seemed no one wanted to pick up our request for a sitter.
We have had no help from family and when we had any offers, it was only for Eva and Antonio. Everyone seems to avoid Luis unless we are there and they know we can take over when they are no longer able to do anything with him. I have also had several discussions where others have experienced family members shunning their disabled child and not paying any interest in them or at least pretending.
When I think back over the last 8 years, we have a serious lack of sleep, we cannot remember what it is like to be in a restaurant alone, in a pub to enjoy a drink and we hardly go out and meet friends like we used to.
Leading to?
Although there is no specific number available, multiple sources claim that there is a higher rate of marriages involving a disabled child ending in divorce. This of course does not include those who are not married and decide to part ways. Many however are still able to have the opposite outcome and are able to find a way to continue supporting each other and the entire household.
What does not change is the fact that as a child gets bigger and into an adult the caring needs can increase. The next hurdle is agreeing on the future, do the parents have the strength and resources to continue caring at home or do they have to make a tough decision about using a care home? This can for an onlooker seem like a relatively straight forward choice, but this decision could easily break a couple apart if they have differing views.
Ultimately couples get into a relationship not expecting to have children with disabilities and when they do they start to understand exactly how much they are capable of handling. In essence families are under additional stress when disability is within the house and finding a way to remain as a strong unit is tough. Some swear by counselling, although I know some who have tried and nothing changed, in fact talking to others in similar circumstances helped them to have better view and turn around things at home.
There is no right and wrong answer, no silver bullets (sorry for the overused expressions), it seems that just good old fashioned figuring it out between yourselves, finding common ground within everything that comes at you and communicating as much as you can is the only way.
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